: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
