I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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