Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
