OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
