And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You were trust falling into bushes
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
