you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
