Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
