Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
