What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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