Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
