Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize