I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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