Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Of course I have a pirate flag
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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