dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
3pm strippers are depressing
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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