drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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