I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
