I wish I could punch you in the face.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
