All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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