I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
