im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
