new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
