I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
