Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
