Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
