yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm getting married
To pizza
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
