there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
