I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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