The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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