The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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