I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
