My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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