Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
