Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
