You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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