My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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