The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
