Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
