Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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