Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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