I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
