my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
