It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
