Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
