I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
