I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
