I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
