he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
