Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
