____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize