I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Sober January is a disaster.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
