Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
