apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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