It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
