So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
