Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just pynch a tree in the face
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize