You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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