Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
