On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
