He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
