There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
