The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
