i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
