the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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