i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
