a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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