fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
