My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
