That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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